The Coolest 24 Parody ever!
by Jess112092
Summary: 24 parody, obviously. It's kind of funny, it's kind of...strange, but could this story have a plot? I don't even know yet It's my first fic ever so attemp to be nice! there are a few spoilers
1. CTU calls

_It's my first story! Yay me! Anyway… if you like it tell me. If you hate it don't read it! And if you have a suggestion PLEASE TELL ME. (I already wrote a few chapters but I can change them!)_

Chase: Well, I finally quit CTU for good… I feel so…alive.

Kim: We still don't know what Bill's gonna say…

Chase: I'm know that after reading my extremely nice resignation letters he'll see why I quit.

Kim: Yeah, it was sooo nice- Dear Morons,

Thanks for almost getting me killed every freakin day! You're lucky I had the balls to work there or a lot of people would be dead by now. Tell shit head, or Brandon, or… Brad, whatever his name is to screw off and get a life. Don't bother calling cuz I'm never coming back!

Sincerely, Chase

Chase- Well maybe shit head was pushin it a little…

phone rings

Chase- Hello

Bill- Chase, it's Bill Buchanan at CTU

Chase- So about my letter…

Bill- Oh, yeah, I read that, well you can't quit.

Chase- WHAT!

Bill- You signed a contract...thing… well you have at least three more years at CTU. Anyway…We have a new threat we're calling all agents who still work here, like you, and some other people who don't work here, not like you- oh and bring Kim.

Chase- I'm not going!

Bill- 20 bucks

Chase- Well…

Bill- So it's settled. Be here in 15 minutes.

Chase- But-

Bill- Me and "shit head" will brief you when you get here- heh shit head hahahhahahaha…priceless click

Chase- My life is over

ring

Tony- CTU… what do they want… hmmm (Tony thinks of genius plan)

Hi, you've reached the Ameidas-

Michelle- (quietly) Tony what are you doing!

Tony- we're not here-

Michelle-Is that CTU?

Tony- right now-

Michelle- It is!

Tony- so-

Michelle- Answer it!

Tony- leave a message-

Michelle- glares

Tony-BEEP!

Michelle- Tony Almeida call back or I'll sick Chapelle on you

Tony- Chapelle's d-

Michelle- Call back and see what they want.

Tony- but-

Michelle- Now!

ring

Bill- (thinking) _please be Michelle, please be Michelle_

Tony- sulk (hesitantly) hello…

Bill- _damn_… Tony it's Bill Buchanan from C-

Tony-Yeah I know who it is. What do you want?

Bill- We have a new threat and we really need Michelle and you to help out. I'm sure you understand, you and Michelle are good at th-

Tony- no.

Bill- sigh I SAID WE NEED YOUR HELP! NOW GET YOUR ASS-

Tony pulls the phone away from his ear

Tony- Done yellin yet?

Bill- Yeah

Tony- Good, still not coming.

Bill- Were you listening to what I was saying?

Tony- No not really…

Bill- GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW! click

Michelle- What did Bill want?

Tony- Some new threat at CTU, nothing important.

Michelle- Well, Tony, if they need our help then-

Tony- Let me refresh your memory of CTU… 1) Carrie, 2) nuclear bomb, 3) virus, 4) I went to jail, and we got divorced, 5) you gave me shit all day-

Michelle- when?

Tony- The day with the nuclear missile, and meltdowns and… stuff

Michelle- I did not

Tony- Yeah ya did

Michelle- did not

Tony- did to

Michelle- did not

Tony- did to :P

Michelle- ok maybe a little… but CTU is where we met and got back together….

Tony- Well now we're happy and we know each other!

Michelle- Tony… we're going.

Tony- damn…

Now I'm sure everyone wonders what Curtis does in his free time (if he has any…)

Curtis stared in awe at his own reflection in the mirror. I guess this is what he does…

Curtis- You are sooo sexy. All the girls love you.

ring

Curtis- Who the hell is interrupting me now!

picks up phone

what?

Bill- We need you at CTU.

Curtis- I'm busy.

Bill- What were you doing, staring at yourself in the mirror?

Curtis- (annoyed) I'll be right there…

Carrie Turner was going to play a game of hide and go screw herself, but didn't want to get off her lazy ass, so she decided to do her usual activity, sitting on the couch staring at the walls. After getting fired from about seven different jobs, she gave on work. Hey, who needs food when you can be anorexic? (Carrie has no social life and often finds herself talking to wallpaper.)

ring

Carrie- (thinking) _omg it's CTU. They want me to come back. They must've fired Michelle! I'm sooo cool!_

Carrie- (hopeful) hello-o

Bill- Yeah, Carrie I'm calling all agents from the nuclear bomb threat, virus threat, nuclear missile, you know stuff like that. Anyway, I need you to come cause division made me call everyone, even the sucky people, like you… so just come.

Carrie-EEEE! YAY! I got a job! Time to ruin every ones lives cough Michelle cough (thinking) _she has to be there cuz Bill said all agents who were there for the nuclear bomb threat… he must've been referring to her when he said 'even the sucky ones' _ I'll be there as fast as I can get there on foot… cuz I had to eat my car. (not a very good anorexic, is she?)

Audrey- I'm sooooooo happy! Today is a great day! No CTU, no death, no bitchy people… no death! Horay!

ring

Audrey- (in a happy/peppy voice) HI!

Bill- Audrey, we need you at CTU today. Get Jack to.

Audrey- …

Bill- Audrey?

Audrey- tear o…k… click…sulk Why do I even try?

Later…

Bill- Only one person left… Edgar Stiles.

ring

Random lady- Hello.

Bill- Uh… Hi I'm looking for Edgar Stiles. (thinking)_ OH that's right he died didn't he… _

Random lady- Sorry he moved.

Bill- Uh… Oh he moved all right… Straight to HELL! He died! You're next. I'm the grim reaper, but you can call me death… Tell Edgar's ghost I said hi when you see him! You don't have much time left. I'm in your closet. BWAHAHAHAHA scream. faint. click

Bill- Haha… never gets old.

_Well that is chapter one! I might need some help with this threat Bill was talking about. I have an idea, but it kinda sucks. Please review! (oh yeah and more people will be called in to CTU from other seasons and will kind of just randomly appear, because if I think of someone else I don't want to come back and add a new phone conversation)_


	2. Jack goes psyco

_Thanks people who reviewed. I'm happy people like my story. If you want, go back to chapter one because somehow I skipped a page in my notebook and left out 2 parts. I wanted to post this chapter sooner because I wrote it a while ago, but I was in Cincinnati on a school trip. I had all the nerds, losers, and gender confused idiots on my bus. (how did that happen?)I don't really like this chapter that much, but maybe someone wil, sol here's chapter 2!_

Jack Bauer skipped (yes. he skipped.) happily down the street on this average (yeah rite), normal, completely ordinary day. For whatever reason he looked down and saw little yellow numbers- 7:02:01 7:02:02 7:02:03 7:02:04 7:02:05

Jack- HOLY CRAP! NOT AGAIN! EVERY BODY MOVE I HAVE TO CATCH THIS HOSTILE!

He searched for a hostile since he didn't actually have anyone in mind, and decided on a little kid, about 7 with a squirt gun. Jack slowly got closer to the kid and shot a few random people for dramatic effect. (surprisingly no one noticed or cared)

Jack- DROP YOUR WEPON!

Kid- You want my squirt gun?

Jack- DON'T BE A SMART ASS TERRORIST.

Kid- (squirts Jack) tee-hee

Jack- OMG I've been hit call a medic, if you help me out we can cut you a deal.

Kid- Hey Joey come here!

Joey- Your shirt is wet mister.

Jack- Are you a medic?

Joey- I'm a 2nd grader!

Jack- Close enough. I need you to bandage this.

(Audrey randomly shows up)

Audrey- Hey Jack we… why are you laying on the ground… and why is that kid putting grass on your stomach… you know what never mind. We need you back at CTU.

Jacks seems to forget about the kids and that he's been "shot" and goes back to CTU

At CTU…

Chloe- What do you want Bill, this was my day off

Bill- could you try smiling, please.

(Chloe attempts to smile)

Chloe-…Sorry no.

Bill- Then can you stop acting like your dog got hit by a bus.

Chloe- If I must…

_Sorry that chapter was kinda short. I don't think the next one is much longer. Please review. It makes me smile _


	3. Stupid annoying CTU people

_Sorry It took me a while to update. I had a chapter, but I didn't like it so I had to start over but I got writers block. Tony and Michelle are in this chapter a lot (they're my favorite characters :) ) Well anyway here's ch. 3._

Tony- Michelle we didn't go in yet, it's not too late to leave!

Michelle- (practically dragging him)- Come on Tony. We need to help (opens door) it's just for to- (sees Carrie)…day…is that…oh my god it is… um, well I'm, sure they called a ton of people today so-

Tony- Hey wasn't Carrie first on my list of bad CTU memories?

Michelle- Shut up and let's leave before Bill-

Bill- Tony, I see you haven't chickened out. (much happier) Michelle, great to see you!

Tony- (angry) Why we here?

Bill- Someone's in a bad mood. What's up with you?

Tony- Three words- Carrie, Brad, you

Bill-… Chloe show Tony and Michelle to their stations.

Chloe- whatever…

Bill- (all peppy) Turn that frown upside- down!

Chloe- scowl

Carrie (who is a dumbass) finally notices Michelle is there.

Carrie- (thinking) _omg she's not fired! What am I gonna do? I didn't think of ways to piss her off yet! I can't remember what I used to do. _( wow this is a lot of thinking for Carrie…) _oh yeah… _Hey Michelle how's Danny?

Michelle- Why are you talking to me?

Carrie-Why didn't you get fired and I did!

Michelle- because you suck and I don't

Carrie- I worked hard all day when the nuclear bomb went off and you made out in a hall way.

Michelle- Stop complaining I don't either. Neither do Chase, Kim, and a bunch of other people, but unlike you we weren't fired.

Carrie sulks and walks away, because her attack backfired. Michelle grins evilly.

Somewhere else in CTU…

ring

Tony- Hello

Jen- Omg Tony what are you doing at CTU.

Tony- Why are you calling CTU?

Jen- Fyi I'm dating someone there… Miles. (haha that's kinda funny)

Tony- Miles… oh, yeah he's the old creepy bastard from Homeland! He must be desperate…

Jen- You dated me.

Tony- I was an alcoholic.

Jen- Just put Miles on the phone.

Tony- Hey is there a desperate old guy named Miles here?

Jen- (under her breath) bastard…

Jack- Never fear, SuperBauer is here.

Jack has a post-it note with SB in cool letters on his head.

Bill- Jack, there's something I need you to do.

Jack- Yeah?

Bill- First of all, take the post-it note off your head.

Jack- right…sorry.

Bill- I need you to take out the girls on Laguna Beach.

Jack- Like on a date? Bill, I'm dating Au-

Bill- NO! Kill them you idiot.

Jack- Oh…Why?

Bill- Because they're prettier then me. (strikes a pose)

Jack- Can I use the sniper?

Bill- Sure.

Jack- COOL!

Tony- Why does Jack always get the cool missions?

Bill- What, are you jealous?

Tony- no.

Bill- You always copy Jack. It's kind of annoying. You're such a poser. Poser Boy!

_Well, there's chapter 3. I'm not updating till I get at least five more reviews. In your review tell me who is your least favorite 24 character and your favorite so I know who to make the next chapter about mostly. (dead or alive characters) I have a cool idea. I may do a chapter with all the characters who I'm actually keeping dead. (just a thought)_


	4. OMG it's Nina

_Ok I lied…I'm updating anyway and I only got one review. _

Bill- (on speaker) Everyone meet me outside I.T. in 5 minutes.

Outside I.T. in 5 minutes…

Bill- I called all of you today because we have reason to believe that Nina Myers is plotting an attack and we don't know when it's supposed to happen. We have absolutely no leads and we don't know what her plan is… which is why you're here.

Audrey- Who the hell is Nina Myers?

Kim- The bitch that killed my mom.

Chloe- The bitch that killed her mom.

Tony- My ex.

Michelle- I can't stand her…

Meanwhile at Nina's office, lair, house, shack… whatever you want to call it…

Nina- MUAHAHAHAHA Now that I finally get to control an attack I won't fail! By tomorrow I will be in complete control of America!

Mandy- Um… You?

Nina- Oh go get a new boyfriend… or girlfriend…whore.

Mandy- Technically I'm controlling this attack, because you have no clue what you're doing.

Nina- I hope I'll get to see Tony again!

Mandy- Who's Tony… oh yeah, he's the one I captured and used his wife so I could escape. (I hope that made sense) That plan didn't work out too well-

Nina- He MARRIED!

Mandy- Um… yeah.

Nina- How could he just forget about ME?

Mandy- Well you did kinda, well, totally betray him.

Nina- But I'm the president of his fan club!

Mandy- Fan club…?

Nina- I have a shrine!

Mandy- Not asking…

Back at CTU…

Bill- Shari have you found any leads?

Shari- Can't talk… Laguna Beach is on…

_We're sorry, but Laguna Beach has been cancelled. Most of it's characters were killed in a freak window accident. Followed by getting shot numerous times in the head by a psycho complaining he wanted to kill at least one of them with his sniper riffle… MTV is sorry for your inconvenience… Not that anyone important watched that show anyway._(sorry if you like Laguna Beach)

Shari- Um…Yeah I'll start looking for leads now.

Jack walked in, clearly upset…

Bill- I'm guessing now wouldn't be the best time to tell you that Nina Myers isn't dead… whoops!

Jack- What… the… hell… Anyone else I was supposed to kill but couldn't? God today sucks…

_I didn't even write that chapter in my notebook. I just made it up. Go me!_


	5. Logan goes to Kiddie Land

_Ok this time I'm really not going to update until I get reviews. Come on people don't you want me to be happy: )_

Logan- Is this Bill Buchanan?

Bill-Yes sir.

Logan- Do you have any updates?

Bill- Sorry, no.

Logan- If you need me to make a decision or anything that we presidents have to do, call Walt Cummings. I won't be here.

Bill- Why?

Logan- Not that it's any of your business, but pikachu is going to be at Kiddie Land.

Bill- Pikachu sir?

Logan-(kid voice) I'm gonna get a snow cone! click

Bill_-_Well that sure was interesting.

Bill walks into a random room with Jack, Chloe, Tony, and Michelle.

Bill- Alright I need you to- What are you doing.

Jack-We're playing Mario Party 7.

Bill-The rest of CTU is looking for Nina Myers and you're playing Game Cube.

Tony-Yeah, what's you're point?

Jack-We don't want to deal with Nina Myers anymore.

Bill-She's planning an attack!

Michelle-So what? All of her other attacks have been complete failures.

Chloe- Jack what are you doing! Great, now we have to play a Bowser mini game.

Audrey-Bill, someone from division needs to see you…ooh Mario Party!

Bill- I'm surrounded by idiots.

In Logan's motorcade…

Logan- Are we there yet?

Mike-No.

Logan-Are we there yet?

Mike-No.

Logan-Are we there yet?  
Mike-Yes.

Logan-Yippee! Hey where's the giant octopus?

Mike-No offense sir, but don't you think you should be helping find Nina Myers? Or at least making decisions…something political.

Logan-I have to decide which ride I go on and if you want I can get in a political fight with a carnie. (A/N I think that's what the people who run the rides are called, that's what my friends call them)

Mike-You should at least tell Bill to call if they get any farther in the investigation.

Logan-What investigation? They're sitting on their asses playing Mario Party. (A/N don't ask how he knows that) Besides, I'm more important then other people, but I guess he can interrupt me if he finds out anything.

At CTU…

Bill- Ok people Logan called, he wants updates! Come on find Nina Myers!

Tony-He sounds a little demanding. Who died and made him president?

Bill- Shut up and get to work Poser Boy.

Michelle-Poser Boy?

Tony- Don't ask.

Michelle-Right…


	6. Author's Note

I was just reading my story and I realized that on none of the stars work (like shift 8), so it looks stupid. From now on I'll use parentheses, but just so you know all the clicks and rings have stars around them but I don't feel like replacing all the chapters. I'd also like more reviews. So far I have 3 from the last chapter and I'll update after 2 more (if I have an idea), but more would be good.


	7. Terrorist Hotline

_Hi everyone! I'm back! Writer's block sucks jtlyk. Anyway here's chapter…I forgot… the one after the last one I posted._

Somewhere between 1 and 5 hours later…

Bill walks into the random room where Jack, Tony, Michelle, Chloe, and now Audrey are all playing Super Smash Brothers.

Bill- Jack I need you to get a team ready. After long hours of searching and looking for leads we've finally found Nina Myers. Turns out her terrorist hotline was in yellow pages and Milo found her looking for Pizza Hut… but you know…either way none of you asses lifted a finger.

Tony- What are you talkin about? You need to use at least 2 fingers on each hand to play game cube!

Michelle- If you found a hotline how is that gonna help us find her location?

Bill- Someone will call the hotline and pretend they are a terrorist. They have to stay on long enough to trace the call.

Chloe- That's retarded.

Bill- Good you can make the call.

Chloe rolls her eyes.

At Kiddie Land…

Logan- I can't believe we're gonna meet pikachu Mike!

Novik- Um sir you do realize he's just an under paid man in a suit, right?

Logan- Shun the non believer!

Novik- Oh God.

Logan's phone rings.

Logan- Hello.

Bill- Mr. President this is Bill Buchanan from CTU.

Logan- Sup Bill! I'm gonna meet pikachu.

Bill-…As exciting as that is sir I have important information. We found Nina Myers.

Logan- Wonderful! Isn't she the Pizza Hut lady?

Bill-No…Sir she's the terrorist.

Logan- Oh… that's good too. Well I'm next in line. Good-bye Bill! -click-

Bill- Mr. President?... Ass.

He walks back in the room where the retards playing Game Cube are.

Bill- Ok Chloe I'll give you the number.

Chloe- Then what?

Bill- Just pretend you're a terrorist.

Bill gives Chloe the number, she calls blah blah blah. Not important.

Nina Myers- Terrorist Hotline how may I help you?

Chloe- Um… I want to blow up some places, but I don't know anywhere I could get explosives or anything.

Nina- What's your location?

Chloe- Los Angeles.

Nina- Well there is a warehouse downtown where I know some people. You can't miss it. It's a shitty looking building with a big white van in front. It kinda looks like a rapist van.

Bill signals that they got the location.

Chloe- Thank you. Bye. –click- Wow. That was weird.

Bill- Jack get a team ready. We got the location.

Jack- Awww… but That's So Raven is on!

Tony- Yeah it's the one where Cory's friend from Florida comes!

Bill- Ooh I love that one! I'll watch it while you guys are in the field.

Tony- You suck.

Bill- Haha.

_Yay another chapter! I hope the next one will be up soon. It will be if I can think of anything. The super bowl is in to weeks! GO BEARS!!!!!!!!_


End file.
